Dear Provocative Homeopath
Can’t you see the real problem is ‘Cell Phone Arse’? Here’s how it works : on trains you become one when you get on everyone’s nerve.

Really, the state of medikil edjewkashin these days.

Sorry, must go, the lights have changed.

Regards
Old Fishhead.

The key question, Doc, is how do we monetize this disorder?
Elbow magnets, balms, new pills, injections and surgical procedures?

I’m always on the phone; it makes me look busy, seem popular and helps avoid any conversations from which I cannot rapidly extract myself. Both my secretaries are always taking messages while I listen to my horoscope, chat with my shrink and retrieve stock quotes.

My left elbow hurts like hell….worse than the tennis elbow on the right. Next week I’m having my phone surgically implanted. I hope it can be listed as a disability, now that it has made the journal reviews. There is ALWAYS an upside. I have a large disability policy.

Thanks for the question Ruth. Good luck with the implantation.
Actually I think smart cards should be implanted into people’s brains at birth. Lord knows we can do with an extra bit of smartness these days. It’s a problem when phones become more intelligent than people. Did you ever hear a phone complain when it was dropped? Even the OW!-Phone does not do this. But we moan about having to CARRY a phone. We are all ingrates to the world of technology and should be replaced by automatons.

I think these new wonder phones allow me to act out my attention deficit disorder (ADD). “I’m being paged”, “Oops, gotta go…that’s my phone”, “Important e-mail just arrived”, “Oh my Lord, the stock is tanking…better call my borker”, and so on. All my friends, who also have ADD (most North Americans have it, by the way. Everybody takes maintenance Ritalin) do the same thing. We do it to each other. Some have their entire lives programmed in the phone..reminders, GPS mapping, vibrators ;^), etc.). I once had to administer IV Valium to a lady who had just lost her phone. She was on her way to a high bridge with the most extreme form of anxiety imaginable;’Phonus Interruptus’. Another life saved.

Doctors don’t want patients to be too smart in this country…North America (it’s probably the same back there in Britain, the ex-empire, eh?). Can you imagine being relentlessly asked “why?” every single day? “Why are you doing this expensive procedure?”, “Why should I take the brand and not the generic?”, “Why do I have to wait for 3 months before my next appointment, especially since I am dying?”(Like I should know how they feel…sheesh!. Don’t patients know that feelings are rationed and that apathy rules in this day and age? It’s sad, but that is how it works, right?).

In any event, you can guess how I handle nosy patients….”The ER just called and I need to call them back promptly; somebody needs an immediate cure. Why don’t we discuss this next time and if I am not here, please speak to my partner. He is very knowledgeable about this stuff, too. Bye!”

Evasiveness and laziness were getting more difficult…at least until the new genius phone technology arrived. You’re right, we are easily replaceable. Don’t mention this to your phone….you never know. There is a delicate balance out there.

Keep up the good work! You are a true healer and a funny guy. Do you have any T-shirts with those pretty pictures you use for Homeopathy, Provocative Therapy and Autogenic Training? I love freebees, but paper money would also be okay (but not the kind that Mr. Brown, your PM, sold at THE bottom, hahahaha! I bet if he is thrown out he will be paid 100 quid per speech, especially if about market timing…truly, this is how it works. It’s almost sad).

Best Wishes,
Ruth MD

P.S. How does one embed youtube videos on this site? I can even download them with my phone.

Hello Ruth,
Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us. Yes, indeed the phone is mightier than the sword these days. But you know something, it’s a good thing – even you admit that – for some people to be under remote control. You don’t even need other people to phone them or send texts. Computers can do this much better. It gives them a sense of belonging to a wider community that includes both humans and machines. No we have to cure this syndrome because it is highly desirable that people spend MORE time on the phone. It’s a superior form of intercourse you know. How many fist fights have ever broken out during a telephone conversation – even when both talkers were totally drunk? As for making videos with a phone, well of course yes. And what will people make videos of themselves doing? Well the one thing other people might watch for more than 20 seconds of course. This is how the world works and it’s beautiful.