Obesity: The way the West will be lost?
As a physician, I’m aware of the dangers of obesity to health of course. But never in my wildest dreams did I suspect that obesity could be the cause of the decline of Western civilisation? Did I even think that it could be a reason why we could lose the struggle in Afghanistan, a place from which even the lean machine of the USSR army was sent packing with its tail between its legs?
You cannot imagine my shock when I read this article in the Independent about how our soldiers are apparently ‘too fat to fight’. A spokesman for the British army, Major Brian Dupree apparently said in a leaked memo: “The numbers of personnel unable to deploy and concerns about obesity throughout the Army are clearly linked to current attitudes towards physical training.”
Allow me to explain: Apparently to be a fighting fit soldier you need to exercise a whole 2 HOURS a day! If you can’t/won’t/don’t do this and are fat – you will be punished for your obesity by not being deployed in Afghanistan! Does this mean you will remain in England training as a soldier (sans 2 hours exercise a day of course) while your thinner colleagues are privileged and honoured enough to be sent to fight in the desert for what is left of Western civilization? Surely this amounts to some form of politically incorrect discrimination?
Okay, I thought, but the British Army is surely not the main defender of the West. We depend on America, the land of the brave and home of the free and home too of non-obese heroes of mine such as Sylvester ‘Rambo’ Stallone and Arnold ‘The Terminator’ Schwarzenneger. Imagine my horror and distress to find out that America has the same problem as us with obese soldiers! Oh, no – I lamented, the West is surely lost now.
And then like a phoenix from the ashes of a lost civilization, the image of a saviour of a man came to me! No it wasn’t the Chosen One, the non-obese, Barack Obama – it was a man who, if we would have let him have his way – would have prevented (yes prevented) Gulf War II ! Yes, ladies and gentleman, I’m talking about none other than the very last heroic American military leader of all time, Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf! To imagine what would have happened if he had been considered ‘too fat to fight’ is a thought too horrible to contemplate!
And slowly I began to see the light. Colour returned to my ashen face as I remembered other great military leaders (Patton, Churchill and many others came to mind) that would have also been considered too fat to fight. It irks me to think of our enemies – if they have a sense of humour – enjoying these articles about obesity in the military of the West. A few jpgs. sent their way of Stormin’ Norman and General Patton will surely spoil their party.
And as for obesity as a medical problem of the West – it’s simple to treat. Provocative Therapy is effective for civilians and soldiers alike. The only way not to lose weight is to not turn up for your sessions – or of course don’t consult a provocative therapist in the first place. However I refuse to ‘treat’ so called overweight military heroes such as Norman Schwarzkopf Jnr. Instead I call on him to speak out against the demoralizing nonsense being spoken about British and USA troops! Far from being a joke, the future of the West might depend on him doing this. Let ‘em have it Stormin’ Norman!
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Comments
Loved it. If Winnie & Stormin’ and others had read/heard this, they would have laughed until the tears rolled down their cheeks between gasps of guffaws.
If only history books utilized as texts at “Uni” could have been written in your style, students would have clogged the libraries and inundated the lecture halls of professors who were broad-minded enough to use such readings and sufficiently comfortably informed to lecture in this vein.
Keep at it. Please. Give ‘em hell, Dr. brian!
Doc, that’s funny!
How do camels survive in the desert? Fat storage.
The fight itself appears to partly be an effort to get volunteer killers to sweat, swat flies, trundle through caves and sleep with one eye open. Surely all that causes weight loss. I actually feel sorry for volunteers who go there thin.
Unfortunately many of the volunteers have lost more than their weight trying to find the man in the cave……one trillion dollars later…and counting.
There is another aspect to soldiering in desolate, dangerous places…they get to take amphetamines and stay awake for nights on end (the Germans were very good at that). The best time to hit the poppy fields is at night. You also want to combat the sedation that the poppy resin may cause, since it can be absorbed transdermally. Thus, fatties may go there with a high-ish BMI (Body Mass Index), but no way will they return with such.
I cannot believe that fattie soldiers cannot be given jobs that integrate their habitus, e.g., cleaning Hummers, milking goats, diving on suspicious looking youngsters with large belts, etc.
Doc, how many sessions does it usually take for you to get a fat patient thinner, more popular, smarter, richer and sexier again?
Regards,
Ruth