Could sperm be the secret elixir of eternal youth?
With more and more talk of prolonging life to 100 and beyond, doctors may feel under increasing pressure to be able to deliver what the media promise. Clerics are in trouble too: Why talk eschatologically about life after death when it might be possible to live forever here and now on Earth?
As everyone agrees, quality as well as quantity of life matters too. So as many middle-aged people realise the truth of Wilde’s truism -‘Youth is wasted on the young’- anti-ageing has always been a growth industry. There is news today of a major breakthrough: The men in white coats in Austria think they’ve found something in sperm that could keeps us youthful! However it will be decades before the exact youth-preserving ingredient of sperm will be identified, isolated and most importantly – marketed.
So the question the chattering classes are asking is: How can we use this information now?
Warning! Do not think this is a license for unprotected sex which obviously could have quite the opposite of the desired effect!
This news needs to be seen in the context of more evidence-based information from scientists in America that showed that women who had regular sex were happier than those that did not (tell me something new) but only very marginally happier if their partners used a condom. At the risk of appearing distinctly ‘uncool’, do I see possible evidence (and anyone reading this blog knows how much our society loves and demands evidence) emerging that suggests that women choosing to have really healthy sex only in a committed relationship may not only be happier but actually stay younger?
My colleagues in plastic surgery assure me that there is no truth that local application of the source of the alleged new elixir keeps the facial complexion youthful. They still prefer botox and surgery but they would say that wouldn’t they?
And even if you can’t actually get younger, looking younger is at least a start. Which reminds me of my appointment with a hair transplanter later today…
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Comments
My goodness Sara Joy – in all my years as a doctor, I’ve never heard that one before. Moreover I didn’t know that girls talked to each other like that! Still this is further evidence
that the men in white coats of Austria are on to something here.
Doc,
I never knew that the Prisoner Continent would catch up with one of my oldest lines:”Believe me, your skin will look younger… at the very least.”
I agree with the marsupial blokes, although I’m not sure about their motive (do they own stocks in a for-profit, startup cosmetic sperm bank?)…sperm, being THE most valuable and important substance on earth, is horrendously wasted. How many sprouting teenagers wipe an entire civilization off their chests every millisecond and toss it in the garbage? Animals don’t even do this.
NO resource or idea must be wasted and so, regardless of the research findings, it simply has to be marketed as an elixir of sorts. It will do better now that this youthful angle is bull-horned to the masses. There is a marketing ‘problem’, however: since sperm is so freely available (and remarkably rapidly replenished), how does one really monetize it, besides selling it to baby banks?
I would perform research on sperm from an ‘exotic’ species (whose location is known only to a select few, nudge-nudge), use Photoshop to doctor up some great images of reverse aging, and voila!, you’re in the money. Human sperm is one thing; how about sperm from the albino rhinoceros?!
Next business plan, please!
Fritz Kabongo MD (Ruth’s fecund husband and nocturnal fertility specialist).
P.S. Ruth is 72 (sorry, Ruth, but I know you are proud) and has skin as smooth as a baby’s bum. People think she is 40. We’re light years ahead of the Aussies, here in USAUSA.
Dr Kabongo, you have some amazing ideas! Who would have thought of the idea of using sperm from another species for an enhanced rejuvenation effect? And yet lots of good insuiin was made this way. And you are so right about the possibly inferior human product being much too easy to obtain. So easy that Big Pharma doesn’t have any room to make money out of it. Or do they? I just remembered what big business bottled water is and sperm is thicker than water you know.
Actually, this is old news. In Chinese Daoist practice, sperm (and ovum) are one of the Three Treasures”, and called Jing or Essence. This most valuable of substances is indeed the most precious substance in the human body, and therefore also the most precious (or perhaps the most deadly?) substance on the planet. Tantric sex practice is aimed at non-ejaculative orgasm, so as not to “scatter one’s seed” (see the Bible knew this too!).
Cosmetic companies have been using stem cells and umbilical matter (also Jing) for some time as anti aging remedies.
So the question “do you swallow?” might be interpreted as a concern for the longevity of your partner perhaps?
Using a condom is like eating candy with the wrapper on. I promote their use for obvious reasons but personally ……
Healthy sex with one partner is more likely to keep people young than injections of bacterial excrement .
Forthright, courageous, honest and medically responsible comment that I’ve not seen echoed in the media.
Does this work on men too? Should I now swallow my own (a bit like chewing and swallowing your own nails) ?
Doc,
Another important medical fact for seed swallowers is that it’s non-fattening at only 2 calories per dose. Men should strive to make it as tasty as possible and in this regard pineapple is extremely underrated, and it also has antioxidant properties. Woe to he who loves asparagus, lest you risk barf all over the proboscis!
Apparently, the record for shooting distance is 15 feet. As we age distance is lost (kegels can restore some of it). This last factoid is important in case ‘sperming’ ever becomes an Olympic event. Don’t rule it out..especially since golf has paved the way for all sorts of future weirdness….not that the past has not been surrealistic too. How does a person named ‘Bolt’ run the 100 in 9.5 seconds??!! Answer: He lived up to his name. Sometimes it is as simple as that!
We should not forget that sperm is also very therapeutic as a balm for sore throats.
Fritz Kabongo MD…..husband of Ruth, who actually looks younger now than 10 years ago.
Dr Kabongo, You make some important points there. Pineapple farmers should be notified of this secret benefit of their produce. Not as sure about your ‘sexual olympics’ though I do remember Lawrence Olivier saying he ‘could copulate for England’ in the film version of Sleuth.
when one of the girls (there were 50 of us) used to walk in to work with a certain radiance, the line would be ‘someone drank alot of sperm last night.’ its part of our oral (sic) tradition: drinking sperm is good for the complexion!