The Zero-Effort Way to lose weight

The issue of obesity will not go away. It’s there in every branch of the media: newspapers, magazines (for men and women), radio and of course, television. Switching on the television in the morning is a risk business these days. It’s good news if there is an absence of an atrocity somewhere in the world. On Thursday morning however, one of the breakfast channels interviewed a lean- looking family tucking into a fried breakfast in Yorkshire. This family had apparently invented the simplest and easiest way of losing weight ever.

The family explained joyously as they tucked into their fried breakfast. It’s all about a totally new form of water that helps you lose weight. Called ‘Yorkshire Water’ you can get it plumbed into your house. Now ordinary tap water contains zero calories – everyone knows that. But wait for it, Yorkshire Water contains something never before heard of in medicine – negative or minus calories! Amazing, the more you drink the more fat you lose. But how? Another of this family of innovators and cholesterol-packed breakfast warmly explains. Apparently the water is ‘treated’ and receives a ‘negative charge’ This negative charge apparently attracts the fat cells and when you excrete the excess water in your system (munch, munch on another forkful of tasty buttered toast) you also lose the fat cells! It’s pure magic from Yorkshire folks and you read it here first. No need to diet, no need to exercise, no need to limit your greed, not need to indulge in what my friend Arnold Brown, calls ‘pleasure-free foods’ (‘if you enjoy them you get your money back’) Just plumb Yorkshire Water into your homes and kiss the fat family members goodbye.

So what can a medical doctor like myself say in the face of such underwhelmingly convincing anecdotal evidence. Ask to see tests that show the urine of Yorkshire Water drinkers contains more fat than the rest of us who have to put up with Thames Water or some other inferior zero calorie water? Suggest that Yorkshire Water start doing some very simple trials? They could choose 10 families of fatties (FACT: 20% of Britons are ‘officially obese’) Each family gets water plumbed in. Half get Yorkshire water and half get local tap water but nobody knows what they are getting. Everybody eats what they want; English fried breakfasts are allowed. New exercise regimens are forbidden. Everyone must drink plenty of water. Now after 6 months we can see which families lose weight. Then we could check to see if those families are the ones drinking Yorkshire water. This is how modern medicine and science work. But who needs medicine, science and eggheads in white coats? That family on TV said they lost stones and stones of weight. Cancel your gym membership, enjoy proper food with high calories and high fat content. All will be well as long as you drink water with ‘negative calories’.

Homeopathic Tip of the Week: Water

Let’s talk about water. Water is essential for our health and it comprises 70% of our bodies. When you drink a lot of water, your blood volume increases and the body needs to keep the blood volume constant. So you urinate more; but you don’t just urinate pure water, you also expel waste material. So your body flushes itself out. However if you deprive yourself of water, the body has to hang on to all fluid in order to keep the blood volume normal. So it can’t afford to flush the system. Waste material accumulate and remain in the body. So do drink water; any water!