In one of the most innovative and enterprising moves to stop the  obesity endemic in its tracks ever made by a nanny state, a prescient quango known as the Foods Standards Agency (FSA) has advised/warned chocolate manufacturers to keep the size of their chocolate bars down.

Hapless confectioners have been told that chocolate will be regulated as follows:

Chocolate ‘snacks’: (eg. Mars bar): At present, Slough’s main contribution to the universe, has a mass of 58g. Chocolate tycoons have been given a mere 3 years to reduce this to 50g.

Chocolate ‘bars’: (eg. Dairy Milk and Yorkie) These must be reduced to 40g or less.

It is to my deep regret that no restrictions on advertising chocolate have been suggested. As a doctor and psychotherapist, I have long been appalled by the blatant misuse of Freudian psychoanalytic theory to sell chocolate to the young by inundating them with pictures of attractive young models of either gender consuming both chocolate bars and chocolate snacks in none too subtle images of fellatio! With rampant hormones and their unconscious minds manipulated by evil chocolatiers promising sexual bliss but delivering obesity, what chance do our young have in this world?

Manufacturers of ‘fizzy drinks’ are to be hit even harder. Any drink containing sugar should be reduced from 330ml to 250 by as early as 2015! This should save at least 4739.6 lives over a 37 year period according to unofficial calculations.

It is rumoured that computers have calculated that these changes will reduce obesity by 19.29% thus saving 66755.34 lives over the next 50 years. Deaths due to  chocoholic smokers compensating on oral gratification by choosing to smoke more and eat less chocolate have apparently not been figured in to the FSA’s computations.

A spokesman for the hamburger industry, already hard hit by the ban on supersizing, said there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that a quarter pounder will need to be downsized to a three sixteenth pounder by the year 2016. He admitted however that the FSA has absolute power in such matters and that cattle ranchers in Brazil have been warned that the demand for meat in the coming decade could be reduced significantly. Meat prices are presently high but the noble FSA, with the best intentions for the public of course, could well put an abrupt halt to the present bull market in beef. Time to sell beef stocks then? Don’t ask me for financial advice. Doctors are well known for doing their boots on the stock market.